Plijj to phind 7 dippherenzes bitbeen pholloeeng 2 pickchurs. Phirst parsun too doo so bill get 1 goat.

Pic 1: Millipede

 Pic 2 Milliband

Here ij 2 dipherencez to get juu ishtarted

1) Banana ij unpeeled

2) Monkey in pic 2 bill eat ze banana

New specie discovered in Al bakistan homo gorillus-bakistani

“I reread the whole thing: it is fisting, not fasting. Fetch me the Vaseline, Shoaib!!”

Following conversations are the ones I find slightly amusing  when I look back on them now. A friend gave me the idea to  write them all into a blog post.

To MJ:- I still have copyright  :p

1)

 

This incident happened yesterday I was troubleshooting some problem for my coal-league on phone..signal was low…so had to speak loud.. Went like
ME: Check the blue cable and its other end…where is it terminated?
How many ports..bla bla bla are u getting link?? bla bla bla

There was a girl nearby..listening to all this. As sooon as I stopped talking she turned to me

Girl: Are you an engine-ear?

Me:yes

Girl:Really?? In electronics?

Me:Yeah, sort of. A network engine-ear

Girl:Where?
Me: Working in a BSNL project
Girl:humm…tabhi yahaan mobile nahi chalte
Me: Main mobile mein nahi, broadband section mein hun.
Girl: Broadband kyaa??
Me: Internet.

Girl: yahaan internet kee speeed bhee barri kam hai

ME: alright

After sometime…

Girl: Can you tell me something..
Me: ???
Girl: agar maine ye check karnaa ho kee maine 2000 mein koun se site access kiye, to iske liye mujhe kyaa karnaa hogaa??
Me: [Mentally bangs head on the table] Aisa karna ummm possible nahin hai. You can check your internet history in your browser.. it depends on your settings.
Girl:noo..no.kyaa aap check kar sakte hain??
Me: bla bla
Girl: and ..and??
ME: Sighsss…launches into a lengthy explainashun
Girl: Geee..thats neat
Me: sure sure
Girl: am an scientist..i want to change the world i’ll make this city capital of India bla bla bla
Me:[[Tries to be polite..tries to not ignore..
after sometime tries to shut ears ]]
Girl: Bla bla bla bla bla bla

 

2)

 

This conversahun isnt berry phunny…but still now it happpens that a frand of mine owns a 80GB hard-disk while I had to manage witha 40GB one. Went on for some time. Then I upgraded my PC..160GB hdd Bumped into him after sometime and topic turned to that

Me: Ab mere paas 64 bit processor, 1 GB RAM, 160 GB HDD, nVidia graphics card hai.
Tere paas kya hai??

Frand: Mere paas german shepherd doggy hai.

Me: :|

3)

 

Karishma: oi, i donno two ppl who are postin currently in nkt, who’re they?
me: who 2? i dont know that guy with strange font either hes frand of shammo so is that girl anyways u didnt post
Karishma: i am postin honey i am hoe n distat echo
me: honey i am hoe—rotfl hes dhruv still rotfl
Karishma: home** sorry’s
me: < wait till i post this on nkot rolls lafing
Karishma: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

4)
This happened at a shop. There was a woman before me.

Woman: Bhaiya, 12 ande dena.
Me: [[Chuckles]]
Shopkeeper: um…acha [wry face]
Woman: [[Embarassed]] [[Clears throat]]
Me: [[trying to hide my grin]]

After the dealing was over..
shopkeeper to me (woman is still there) –Jee bhai..aapko kya chahiye
Me: ummmm ande??
Woman: [[grins]]
Shopkeeper: okaaaay

 

5)

 

I had a particularly annoying “coversation” with a BSNL dude who happened to be a kashmiri. I came out fuming started my rant against the whole bloody race with my colleague who happens to be a kashmiri too.

Me: ^%%%* &^^ kashmiri *&*&^&%&^ (&*^%@ Inkee (*((*(*& pataa kuch hai nahin ore faltoo mein sawaal poochenge *&$#!

Kashmiri Colg. : Oye, main bhee kashmiri hoon

Me: so…???

KC: umm..kuch nahin We came out of the exchange and bumped into our manager who just came out of a meeting with some more kashmiris who work for BSNL.

He is a kashmiri too.

KC: Sir, kyaa huaa?

Manager: ye **&@! kashmiri…!! 1 no. ke ^#@@ hain. akal hai hee nahin *&^% Ko.

KC: <>

Me:ROTFL

6)

 

An old relative talking to me. Went something like that After understanding that my work involves something to do with computers)
N: Can you repair computers??
Me: yes
N: Can you make computers too??
Me: uh, yes.
N: there was a guy. Lived in the next lane. Very intelligent, nice kind of person. He did engineering too and opened some shop. he sold and repaired computers
Me: (wondering–why is everyhing in past tense)
N: he died last week in some accidnet. it was so tragic
Me: uhh? oh yes. it is.

7)

 

This dude is actually a good frand of mine . He calls me one day

Bh : Oye, ye bataa Tragedy Office kanhaa hai??
Me: Tragedy office ????

Bh: हाँ हाँ. तेरे घर के साथ तो है. *** बैंक की बिल्डिंग के साथ

Me : Tragedy office ???? ये कौन सा नया department खुल गया?

Bh: अबे साले.. वो लाल रंग की बिल्डिंग जो है.

Me: (Pause) ट्रेजेडी के spelling बोल

Bh:खोता.. वही जो होता है.

Me: तेरा मतलब Treasury office तो नहीं है ??

Bh: जो मर्जी हो तेरे area में ही है ना??

Me: साले , TRAGEDY नहीं, TREASURY है .

Bh: जो भी है मेरे यहाँ, सारे यही बोलते हैं.

Me: aah.. i see.

 

8)

Read this banner some place couldnt help grinning like an idiot गोली लाठी चलायें गे राम सेतु बचाएं गे

9)

A Sikh guy who happens to be my colleague: (pointing to my overgrown hair) ओये, इस घोंसले में कितनी चिडिया रहती हैं?? हें हें हें हेंहें हेंहें हेंहें हें

Me : Duhhh

Him: तेरे सिर के बालों की बात कर रहां हूँ. ये क्या घोंसला बना कर रखा है ? हें हें हें हें हें हें हें हें हें हें

Me: कमीने, तू अपने सिर पर एक पक्का मकान बनाकर रख सकता है तो मेरे घोंसले से क्या तकलीफ हो रही है ?

 

Him: हें यें हें हें यें यें

10)

We were working in a telephone exchange. Loads of landline phones lying around. I ask  a coal-league to give me “his” mobile phone.

Me:अपना फ़ोन देना.

That dude picks up a landline and holds it out

Me: huh???

MS:पकढ़ ना !!

Me: ओये… मैंने तेरा फ़ोन मंगा है.

MS: मेरा फ़ोन??: ये मोबाइल होता है holding the landline) ओर ये फ़ोन तुझे जो चाहिए, वो बोल

Me: Deep Breaths. 1-2-4-9-6-8-3-……..

MS: (Smugly) समझ आया ??

Me: Grrrrrr

Now it happened that me and my colleague (Zubair) were lazing in front of a road side tea stall.
I glance bhind his shoulder and see a truck coming in a zig-zag kind of way..like the driver is drunk

It comes closer and I see that its on fire. It was carrying hay and it caught fire somehow.
i start grinning ( :) and said “Us truck ko dekh”
He glances behind and nearly jumps out of his skin..”oye, us mein to aag lagee hai.

Me: – Yes

Zubair :- (In a panicky voice) Oye ..wo idhar hee aa raha hai

Me:- (Grinning even more) haan

In the meanwhile, 3-4 bales of hay fell down from the truck, partially blocking the road.

Zubair:- **&^%$$.. ye to khatarnaak (dangerous) ho gaya hai

Me: – haan haan

(:D)

Now the truck was 40-50 metres away and trying to locate fire brigade people
It was on the first turn..but in panic driver missed the turn and started coming towards us as theree was a bit of ground to make a turn.

Zubair:- (Really scared) wo truck idhar hee aa raha hai

Me:- haan. aaag bhee barr gayee hai
Saale ko itnaa barra fire station nahi dikha.

Now the truck reached us and started to make the turn

Zubair- (In real panic)oye peeche ho !!
peeche ho
barra khatra hai yaar. Truck wala paagal ho gaya hai.

Me:- (I start laughing again)Saale kanhaa hogaa. Itnee jagah hai. morr lega wo truck

Zubair:- ***&^%$%$%&)(* barree heat nikal rahee hai

:-s

Somehow driver managed to loacte and take his truck into the fire station

Zubair: -Shukar hai pahunch gaya

ME:- he he. main soch raha tha..agar aag fuel tank tak pahunch jaatee to truck explode hota ya nahin

Zubair:- Ab to nahi hoone wala. Fire brigade waale paani fenk rahein hai uspar

Me:- Koi baat nahi. 1 aur aa raha hai waise hee condition mein

Zubair:- (Glances back and exclaims)..oye ek aur truck mein aag lagi hai yaar. Wo bhee idhar hee aa rahaa hai

Me: (grining) haan

But driver of that truck located the fire station quickly and took it there.

Zubair: – (looking releived)
Chal ab hum bhee chaalk kar dekh te hain

Me:- hain?

Zubair:- Abe chal na. chal ke dekhte hain..kaise aag bhujate hain

Me:- khote..kya hai dekhne waala isme??

Zubair:- chal na. chal na

Me:- *&*(&)(*  acha acha

We spend nxt 20 minutes watching fire being put out

(yawn)
We were not alone..there was a sizeable crowd around. All morons like us gaping at firemen doing their work

After 20 minutes
Me:- Mujhe lagta hai…(:|) kee mujhe kaafi farak hai

Zubair:- kaise??

Me:- wanhaa 2 truck mein aag lagee thee..aur main hans rahaa thaa

Zubair:- (thoughtful)..haan wo to hai he (shrug)

Me:- hmmmm