Book Excerpt

“Pakistan and the United States of America have been allies ever since the Cold War; bestest friends even, and so it was no surprise when I was summoned to speak on the phone with a member of the Bush Administration shortly after the events of 9/11. I had just donned my military-issue pajamas, and was about to go to crawl under my bed, which is what I do when I get a vibe that someone is trying to kill me, be it terrorists, or the Taliban, or the Iranians, or the Indians, or my own bodyguards or whoever. Turns out it was U.S. Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage on the line, and he claimed to be bearing a message on behalf of his government. Normally, I look forward to such frank discussions with my good pals, because it usually means I’m getting a billion here or a billion there for bullets and whatnot. I am including the transcript of the super-friendly conversation, as recorded by my intelligence services:

MUSHARRAF: Deputy Secretary, allow me to express my condolences…

ARMITAGE: Yeah. Uh-huh. Whatever.

MUSHARRAF: It goes without saying that as always, Pakistan stands with her ally and –

ARMITAGE: You done? You done yapping, kebab breath? Tell you what, take a moment to clean your h-mo moustache of terrorist cock nectar and let me paint you a picture of the new world order, okey-doke?

MUSHARRAF: I’m… I’m sorry?

ARMITAGE: Look, I don’t have time to talk Muslim. FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA! Happy now? Got your attention? We know, pal, we know what you did, and we’re not happy. You’re not dealing with President Hillbilly Facefuck, capiche? The Republicans are in charge and we are scared stupid. You people have FLOWN PLANES INTO BUILDINGS HERE AND YOU ARE GOING TO PAY!!!!

MUSHARRAF: I assure you that is not the case at all!

ARMITAGE: I have been authorized to put all Musliacs on notice there are now two types of you people in the world: dead ones, and cab drivers. Anyway, why can’t you Paks be more like Indians? Smiling, contented little phone monkeys who give good tech support?

MUSHARRAF: As has been in the past, we are in America’s corner, of course. However, though I am secular by disposition, this country is an Islamic state and is therefore complicated. There are many who feel a kinship with those extremists that see America as the sole source of all their problems. But surely…

ARMITAGE: Bottom line: if you don’t do what I tell you to do, when I tell you to do it, America will bomb you back to the stone age. Which, by our calculations, was exactly forty years or so ago.


ARMITAGE: That’s right. We will bomb you back to the stone ages, and then send in helicopters with napalm flamethrowers and set fire to whatever survives, and then we’ll send in Navy SEALS with chainsaws to cut up whatever smoldering bodies continue to twitch. Then we’ll airlift in millions of gallons of impure pig shit and shampoo the landscape with the stuff. And once that’s done, we will hunt down every single Muslim in the United States and put them into camps and beat them retarded with the Holy Bible and bleach them Aryan.

MUSHARRAF: These remarks are very rude…

ARMITAGE: You don’t GET IT, DO YOU MUSLIM?! You fucking people are actually fucking dangerous! Who the fuck knew? The GOP sure as fuck didn’t and now we know that you people HATE JESUS CHRIST AND WANT TO MURDER PERFECTLY INNOCENT FINANCIAL BANKERS! Have you no shame? Couldn’t you have taken out Brooklyn or something? Doesn’t matter. We’re not gonna have that, no sir. We’re America. We’re smarter, better, and more fucking noble and good and amazing than all of you faggot bastards! We’re America!

Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. For purple something majesty, across the fruity highway lanes! AMERICA, AMERICA, YOU’RE SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL… oh… ohgodoohgod…

MUSHARRAF: Deputy Secretary?

(Sounds of uncontrollable sobbing)

MUSHARRAF: Are you there?


MUSHARRAF: I think you’re being very emotional, sir… This is partially understandable, considering the circumstances…

ARMITAGE: REMEMBER THE ALAMO! GRANDMA AND APPLE PIE! PLAY BALL! You miserable asswhores… all of you… Mommy… bomb you all, nuke you fuckers… doom… cock…doom…

MUSHARRAF: Have you been drinking?

ARMITAGE: We’re going to invade Afghanistan…

MUSHARRAF: I figured as much. I’m not where I am today because I respect civil rights and peace. Do you want to talk, Deputy Secretary?

ARMITAGE: …and Iraq…

MUSHARRAF: Oh, motherfuck me. Are you kidding? Do I have to start sleeping in my kevlar Fruit of the Looms again?

[Sound of gagging]

ARMITAGE: …I think I just puked a little out of my nose…

MUSHARRAF: Are we done?

ARMITAGE: …I have to call the Saudis… hate you all… you wipe your butts with your fingers and I have to… shake… your hands. No, no… the Presidential Emergency Keg is tapped… Oh god…

MUSHARRAF: We’re all screwed, aren’t we?

ARMITAGE: Pretty much.

MUSHARRAF: At least your checks don’t bounce…

ARMITAGE: Do we bitch about those couple of ghetto nukes you got strapped to the back of all those attack yaks? Huh, do we? You owe us.

MUSHARRAF: Duly noted.

ARMITAGE: God Bless America.

And so began a new era in the alliance between Pakistan and the United States of America. An alliance that continues to this day, one forged of militant opportunism, fear, and paranoia. Three things a military dictator such as myself can respect. I remain proud of the mighty symbiosis between our countries. Mainly because I have little choice.”


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